Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.