I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.