I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The internet is magic sometimes.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.