“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
incredible
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.