*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
#Caturday
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now