“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Happy Friday
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Basically.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.