My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
You Might Also Like
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought