Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins