Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.