*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees