Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
You Might Also Like
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.