I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
why would tinder want me to say this
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
That took me a moment.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…