I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.