me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.