If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!