Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Why font matters.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.