Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.