You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.