No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.