I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*