ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
You Might Also Like
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON