[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.