I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
At least my masseuse has my back.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa