Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Body by cheese-puffs.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
This bar smells like my childhood.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level