Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.