6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”