Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?