*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My typo game is string.