tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg