When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
You Might Also Like
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”