(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”