This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Perfection.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”