Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”