I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.