crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”