Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Traveler’s camo
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.