*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
dictator is short for richard potato
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT