[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
i prefer mine room temperature.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire