My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Holy shit he’s back
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
back to work
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.