4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍