me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I came this close!!!!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.