Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.