My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
ok like just. call me at this point
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy