Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
You Might Also Like
shit just got real
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Banana is the quietest snack
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man