Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I am never leaving this website
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.