Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.