Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
#growingpains
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator