How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.