I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When I said I liked it rough.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My neck, my back, my…
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?