It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
men are simple creatures
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
🖤✌🏽
Cardio Made Easy
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Storm Tropical Storm
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference