Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Mornin
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
For the ones in the back.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.