me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Perfect.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU