I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.